Too Tired to Be Creative

I would have blogged sooner, but OH MY GOD I AM TIRED. Not just ‘I need to sleep another hour’, but ‘if I don’t put my head down rightthisminute I am going to die’. Or ‘Wow, I just slept the deepest sleep of my life for 10 hours and the idea of taking a shower exhausts me’. When I said last week I was tired, I had no idea. NO IDEA.

I honestly and truly admire women who have to go to an office and work during their first trimester. I am not sure how they do it, but they need an award. My job is set up in a way that I need to work 40 hours a week, for the most part, whenever. My 3PM ‘naps’, which is usually just me laying down, not thinking, are my saving graces. I am also super blessed with a husband who won’t let me do a damn thing. He just watched me spend $300 at Target on groceries and carried them all in the house.

I feel like so much has been going on, when really nothing has. I told my coworkers I was knocked up and they were, as expected, happy – joys of working with a ton of women who ‘get it’. While we aren’t sharing it publicly yet, it feels good for coworkers to know what’s going on. I can’t wait until I can shout it from the mountain top.

Tomorrow I am half way through my first trimester and reminding my baby appleseed daily that we have a nice warm home if she can just stick around. I spend a lot of time worried about miscarrying, since so many women in my life have had this experience. If I am cramping I worry, if I am not cramping, I worry. I can tell you one thing – taking to Google was the worst mistake. Logically, if someone is asking about miscarriage, only people who miscarried will be responding right? Well, not to a pregnant woman. I read this as EVERYONE miscarries and I am stupid to have told anyone I was pregnant or buy maternity pants. I scour the internet for statistics, but in my head, I know statistics won’t matter and it isn’t really in my control.

One of the people on a message board said it perfectly, ‘You wouldn’t take your umbrella for 20%you chance of rain so don’t plan to expect the worst.’ – I tend to be very positive, so this made perfect sense to me.

I am imagining what this ‘journey to baby’ blog is going to become. Hopefully not a spot for me to complain about the negative spots of being pregnant, but the ups and downs, fears and joys and then a place to brag on my child. I doubt it will be filled with healthy recipes or crafts or even shabby chic decor (I am tired thinking about making anything shabby into chic).

I’ve been up for 30 minutes. I think it’s time for a nap!

Week 5: Appleseed

How far along?  5 weeks (and 1 day if you care about the details)

Size of baby: apple seed
Total weight gain/measurements: unsure right now

Maternity clothes: Could it be I am in the middle space where real clothes are too snug and maternity clothes are too big? I just invested in a pair of leggings and a maxi skirt that should help ease the ‘I work at home, but have to go out sometimes’ pain.
Sleep: I am so very very tired, but not sleeping well at night. I fall asleep pretty quickly, but wake up a few hours later and just toss and turn. I am having am pretty sexy dreams though (hello!). The nurse suggest Unisom, so I am going to give that a go tonight.
Best moment this week: We had our ultrasound today and got to see the black dot. No heartbeat flicker or anything yet, but another confirmation things are moving along.
Miss anything? Nah, not so much. Well, sleep.
Movement: Still got a ways to go.
Food cravings: Nah.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nothing specific. I wake up starving, then get queasy during the day, then eat dinner if it’s in front of me. And when I eat, I eat.
Symptoms: fatigue, mild cramps, bloat, constipation, A LOT moody (just ask S.)

The Voodoo that you do …

Let me start by saying, I don’t think voodoo got me pregnant, but we sure had a few things that may, or may not have helped us get pregnant.

The main thing was lots, and lots of prayer. Nothing official, but more of a ‘oh please, oh please, oh please’. I know Saint Rita and Saint Gerard are the patron saints of … something to do with infertility or getting knocked up or something. As a recovering Catholic, I have very little to do with the beliefs, but Saints are kinda the fun part of the religion.

My BFF M., like a good Unitarian Universalist, helped a lot in the voodoo department. She had her own journey with infertility and now has the cutest little guy ever from a surrogate. Needless to say, she gets it. When we first told her we were trying, she immediately went into fertility doll shopping mode. Frankly, those suckers can be creepy. However, instead of the creepy big belly, big boob lady, she gave us this, a stuffed sperm. Which, I immediately ordered for my brother and sister-in-law who were trying. We are both pregnant now. Coincidence?

Sperm

During the 2 week wait, M. also bought me a beautiful, handmade fertility charm I wore pretty much everyday.

If you are trying to get pregnant, do whatever voodoo you need to do. I took a lot of comfort in that little sperm (which we are saving for our child) and necklace, which served as a constant reminder of what we were trying to do, and eventually did.  If you are pregnant, or have a kid, what gave you hope?

Week 4: Poppyseed

How far along?  4 weeks, the joys of fertility treatment is you can pinpoint when exactly when conception was. Some women don’t even realize they are pregnant at this point?

Size of baby: poppyseed
Total weight gain/measurements: unsure right now

Maternity clothes: Plus size maternity clothes are almost impossible to find. I found out I was pregnant on Friday, and was already planning to spend the weekend shopping at the outlets with my sister in law (and my future niece/nephew!) and my mom. Since we were headed to a maternity outlet, I stocked up on a few basic items on sale. I am not in any of them yet, but I am so bloated it’s tempting. Thankfully working from home allows me to wear yoga pants.
Sleep: This mama is tired. All the time. I am sleeping pretty well, but getting up to pee a few times a night.
Best moment this week: Finding out for sure we are pregnant!
Miss anything? Such a strange question – I do miss lunch meat, but it is worth it in the end.
Movement: Still got a ways to go.
Food cravings: More food aversions then anything right now. I do crave MEAT. Lots of protein.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Cooked green peppers, even just the smell makes me want to vomit.
Symptoms: fatigue, mild cramps, constipation, zitty chest, a little moody (probably a lot moody if you ask anyone else)

Still Pregnant!

Thanks for all the kind words via the comments and Facebook yesterday! Though we aren’t ‘public’ yet (just family and close friends), it didn’t feel right to leave out anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis. I did tell my boss yesterday, a CEO mama of a small IT firm and she is so excited for me. I am so blessed to have such a supportive working environment – she made it very clear that the job is flexible enough for naps and appointments, and she encouraged me to take advantage of that. I only told one of my project managers since my flakiness will effect her the most. Again, met with nothing but excitement. Now … it looks like the world will know at the beginning of December when I get the all clear.

I am going to keep the blog title the same, because another infertile blogger over at the Inconceivable Housewife said it right, “I still feel like an ‘infertile woman’. I still am an infertile woman! While that may not make sense now that I’m pregnant, it still feels true. I still suffered through those years of infertility. I still understand the pain. I still fear miscarriage. I still know that this may be our only pregnancy we’ll be blessed with. We can’t ‘just have another child’. As a pregnant woman, infertility still stings. It doesn’t go away.”

Sure, our journey wasn’t as long as some, or even most. But it was still a process, and if we decide to go for number 2, it will still be a process.  I also like how the previous blogger did a weekly QA with symptoms, etc. I think that will a nice reminder about how far we’ve come and how I can make my child feel guilty in the coming years. “OH YOUR LIFE IS TOUGH? I COULDN’T POOP FOR 6 MONTHS! THAT’S TOUGH!”

I hope if you are a regular reader, you will stick with me on my journey to becoming a Mama.

PS – Went to a Wine, Cheese and Chocolate mixer last night for work. Pregnant women shouldn’t attend these events. Oh but wait! They had sushi! Oh, yeah. Nevermind. On the upside, the chocolate was ah-mazing. This mama wanted to dive into the chocolate fountain.

Baby, baby, baby.

Today’s the day! Sam and I went to Shady Grove for my blood work, and headed home. He has the day off and I am lucky enough to telework, so we are just waiting for the results.

Why are we so calm? I took a home pregnancy test on Friday … make that 4. So we already know WE’RE PREGNANT!

I am still so in shock that the fertility treatments work – the first time around! I guess it’s time to talk about changing the title of my blog, eh? Sam is having a hard time believing it until the doctor calls to confirm. Looks like a June baby is on the horizon.

More later my friends 🙂

Lies We Tell

I lied to S the other night. Well, sorta lied. He found a pregnancy test in the trash and asked if I had been taking pregnancy tests. In truth, I was just cleaning out our baby makin’ stuff, but I also said I hadn’t been testing.

What a bold faced lie. I can’t help myself. I am having early pregnancy symptoms like cramping, increased smells, sexy dreams (HELLO!) … I know in my heart it’s too early to tell, but maybe, just maybe the test will read early. I don’t think I am pregnant, but I think that’s me preparing myself for a let down when we beta on Monday.

It’s just so hard to wait. Don’t judge me for testing before anything would show up anyway. I can’t be the only one who tests after knowing the answer, right?

Sweet, Sweet Panda Baby

While the rest of world might not care, the DC metro area is buzzing with excitement. The Nationals on the way to the play offs? Nooo … The presidential election? Nooo … RG3 is killing it as a rookie Redskin? Nooo … What on earth has been headline news in the nation’s capital?

Mei Xiang had a baby! Mei is a panda at the National Zoo,  who had her last baby in 2007 and this little bundle of joy was a surprise! Zoo officials say they were hopeful she was pregnant (apparently panda pregnancies are hard to detect) because she wasn’t getting pregnant after many attempts and had 5 pseudo-pregnancies in the past few years.  She had LESS THAN a 10% chance of getting pregnant again.

Panda Cam Shot

You know where I am going with this. I find so much hope in this panda mama and her pink stick of butter (which is what a panda baby looks like).  I love turning the news on in the morning and hearing how the zoo keepers (that isn’t their title is it, it sounds so Curious George) are keeping their distance and letting Mama do her thing. Apparently this unnamed baby is a loud one!

Things I Look Forward to When I am Pregnant

While I am wondering if I am in fact pregnant (I will never say preggo. Knocked up yes, preggo no),  I am thinking about all the things I will love about being pregnant. Here’s a few so far:

  1. Maternity Clothes – As a ‘larger woman’, I always go shopping in the plus size section of stores, which is next to the maternity department. Why they do this is infuriating to me, but it does give me a chance to see the fun styles. Mostly it’s an accident because I think it’s plus size and not maternity and I am always let down. Not anymore!
  2. Being Special – While I don’t want strangers touching my belly, I will enjoy being the center of attention, I am not going to lie.
  3. Not being alone – Think about it. For 9 months, I am never alone. It will be even real when the baby starts moving. I bet it’s cool.
  4. Redecorating! – I love organizing and decorating, so putting together a nursery will be a fun event.

So just a few things I am looking forward to. If not this cycle, there’s always next time.

It’s been a week. Too soon to take a pregnancy test? Damn.