As you may know, I am on my second round of Provera (which means I am trying to force my body to have a period). I remember a few small side effects, but NOTHING like what I have experienced this time. Aside from a ‘worse-than-drunk’ dizzy spell a few nights ago, crying seems to be the big side effect. Not just a lump in your throat, or tearing up … no, no. This is full on, someone shot my dog in front me crying. Here are some things that have made me cry like a crazy woman:
- Finding out Coach Beast’s husband was beating her up on Glee
- The video to Florance + Machine’s Shake it Out
- The fact I have no friends from college (I am watching Felicity)
- Accidentally getting regular Coke instead of Diet Coke
- Losing about a hours worth of work because I didn’t save properly
- The dead cat in the middle of Lee Highway
Thankfully, all this will end on Thursday when I take my last pill. Until then, don’t sneeze in my direction or I will be hysterical.
In an effort to make me less crazy, Sam brought up having our baby sponsored. So a company, like Exxon or Target, would help us pay for our fertility treatments, then we give them the name (you know, like Target Smith or Time Magazine Jones) and brand the baby clothes.
Good idea! We are drawing the line at ED medicine and feminine hygiene products.
Oye. I finally looked into our infertility benefits with S’s insurance and found out they cover …. nothing. The consultation. That’s it. And since we live in the great state of Virginia, there are no laws that make infertility coverage mandatory. Next call this morning was to Shady Grove Fertility Center where we will go if this round of Clomid is unsuccessful. Bad, bad move. But in a good way. Here’s the breakdown:
Consultation: covered, but if not, $300 – $350
Prescreen: not covered, $1500 – $1800
IUI: not covered, $1200 – $2200
At this point I was holding back tears and my new BFF at SGFC had to talk me off the ledge. She was so amazingly kind and understanding. And she did Clomid too and understood I am a weird weird person right now. She also told me about their financing (hey, let’s rent to own a baby!) and a few payment plans.
I am feeling so hopeless right now – money is super tight as it is, we don’t have $5000 sitting around. I know, it will be okay, something will work. I just don’t know how to stay calm and stress free right now – which is apparently super important to getting knocked up.
Anyone have connections with MTV? I would love to get one of those adorable babies those teenagers are popping out in meth houses.
Tomorrow will be better.
So I called and left my OBGYN another voicemail asking what the hell I am suppose to be doing. Well, not those words, but the emotion was conveyed because Nurse Betty called back and said the doctor wanted to see me. Today.
Dun, dun, dun.
Though I don’t remember being called to the principal’s office, I imagine this is how it feels. Oh shit. I am in trouble. I knew she was going to find out S and I were doing it wrong and we are complete morons. I won’t lie, I was hopeful she would look at me and know immediately I was pregnant and the pee-pee tests were wrong. Thankfully, or not, it didn’t go either way.
The good news is my Backup Doc was nice, human and comforting. The bad news is I had to do a pelvic exam (I like to mentally prepare for these things, ya know?). The good news is I don’t have some alien life form blocking my eggs. The bad news is, since I never got my period, I am back on Provera. And I did invest in a fancy pill holder to keep my life in order. As an organizing fanatic, this makes my day better.
This is our last chance before calling the fertility specialist.
So one of my favorite bloggers (who just had a bebe!) posted a survey on her blog, and I thought it would a fun way to capture me and give me something to focus on instead of my effed up eggs. PS – today, so far, is going much better than yesterday.
10 favorite musical artists (this is hard, I wish it was songs):
- New Found Glory
- Train/Pat Monahan
- Mumford and Sons
- That chick from the Voice – Lindsey Pavao
- Taylor Swift
- Garth Brooks
- The Cure
- Kelly Clarkson
9 things in your purse:
- Eos lip balm
- Griot pens
- stylus pen
- iPod Touch
- envelope of coupons
- rouge eyeliner
- hair ties
8 places you want to visit:
- Austin, TX
- San Deigo, CA
- Toronto, Canada
- Berlin, Germany (again!)
- Washington DC (my own town tourist style)
7 movies you love:
- Brown Sugar
- Finding Nemo
- SLC Punk
- Home movies
6 favorite hobbies:
- Decorating (DIY style)
- Napping. That’s a hobby right?
5 favorite fruits/vegetables:
- Passion Fruit
- Corn on the Cob
- Sliced apples
4 favorite colors to wear:
3 things that stress you out:
- The feeling that time is passing too quickly
- My body
2 things you say too much:
- “I know right”
1 favorite dessert:
- Aunt C’s Cherry Cheesecake
I woke up this morning having a mini-temper tantrum. Maybe this is an indication that I am about to start my period (you know. Aunt Flow is comin’ to town). It’s a damn good thing I work from home because no one, NO ONE, wants to see me today all pouty and pitiful. Here was my internal conversation.
Pitiful J (PJ): I don’t want to DO this anymore.
Real J (RJ): Yes you do. You know you do.
PJ: I do not. I am tired of figuring this out. You know how ADHD I get when things get hard, I shut down. I am shutting down.
RJ: No you aren’t. Oh hey! No baby this month means you can pop your ADHD drugs again. Score. But seriously, you want this. A perfect little J. or S. Jr. to cuddle and snuggle and watch grow up to a cool kid. You told S. last night you want a little hipster baby. Remember the onsie with a fake tie?
PJ: God. What are you? A motivational poster? I am pouty. And tired. And confused. And frustrated!
RJ: Okay, you win. Today. Be pouty, feel sorry for yourself, pick your nail polish off, watching bad tv while working, sing along to Glee and drink lots of Diet Coke. But that’s it. Tomorrow you put on your effing big girl panties and figure it out. FIGURE. IT. OUT.
PJ: Fair enough.
When I started this blog, I remember I said I was trying to keep it fun? Well it’s not always fun. And that’s okay. I’ve done lots of things that weren’t fun, but they led to fun things. Like my Mama says, use it as guilt in a few years. She reminds me often I was 9 days late with a big head. But those 9 days and however many hours of big headed labor resulted in fun right? Right?
Tomorrow will be better. Todays sucks.
Everyone wants to know if the 2nd round of Clomid was successful …. but before I say no … it might be too soon to tell. Here’s the story:
I should have started my period yesterday, I did not. I was bullied by R. (the Sister in Law, also trying to get pregnant) to take a pregnancy test, that came out negative, but I am still probably (maybe?) too early to tell. So I guess we are still waiting. Why are the details so complicated?
So now that we are in our first ‘Two Week Wait’, I am finding every little thing might indicate a baby in the belly. Today I noticed my belly a little rounder and a strong desire to eat bowls and bowls of frozen yogurt from those trendy, hipster DIY places. This probably doesn’t indicate I am pregnant, it probably just means I am a being a fat girl. I don’t think it happens this fast.
Can I also talk about how annoying sites that tell you ‘how to survive the Two Week Wait’ are? Apparently, during these two weeks I should be indulging in spa treatments, learning a new hobby, spending romantic time with S. and being nice to myself. Where are the women who do this? Do they have a job? I am going to be so busy with work, chairing a church committee, taking care of the dog, and going about my business that I won’t have time to focus on spa treatments OR wondering if I am pregnant. Perhaps I am a little judgy about this because it’s our first opportunity to ‘wait’, but for now I am rolling my eyes.
As I write this I am feeling a little tired. I must be pregnant. Or it’s time for bed.
I have loved Tori Amos every since she wrote ‘Jackie’s Strength‘. Yes as a 29 year old I recognize now it is about Jackie Onassis, but as an angsty teen I was SURE it was about me. Anyway … I came across this quote from her and it hit home today as so many people are announcing their pregnancy and showing pictures of their newborns. I am happy for them, and appropriately sad for me. Today of course. Tomorrow may be different.
The anger lies in each of us; it just depends on how you deal with it. You have to dive into your own psyche, to find out who lives there. Most of the time, the monster that hides inside you, is the one you let loose on others. I’m not afraid of sadness. Yet even when you cry, until you can’t cry anymore, you get to the point where you decide, for example, that you want to play with a drummer. Sadness lets you wear stilettos, sadness lets you dance in the moonlight. She just has dark rims around her eyes.
I decided a few days ago, in my Clomid induced depression, I want fertility jewelry. After that depression lifted, I realized, I probably just want jewelry. Which strikes me as so silly since I wear my wedding rings and a pair of studs everyday (for someone who has 3 holes in each lobe, I never use all at once). I just don’t indulge in jewelry. Is there even such a thing as fertility jewelry?
Yes. Yes there is. And Etsy is the place to find them. Oddly enough, in my research, I have yet to find ‘proof’ that certain stones help in fertility. Obviously, I love the concept of Eastern Medicine. I’ve found information on reiki, acupuncture, yoga, meditation and herbs … but no stones. Tell that to the masses on Etsy who got the memo that rose quartz and moonstones are the key to babies. I assume it’s true, because if you are going to make up a fertility ‘stone’ it should be diamonds.
I would love to see S’s face when I ask for a diamond tennis bracelet to help me get knocked up. Women around the world would be buying birth control in secret while adding to their jewelry collection – “Not this month hun, but Jared’s is having a sale on diamond earrings!’ ….
Here are a few of my favorites: