I’ve struggled with how to write this post for a variety of reasons. I’ve tried to be honest in my blog because all these emotions are honest. Also, it involves my sister in law, R., who is also my best friend, but the main reason I’ve struggled is because I am not sure how to articulate my feelings.
R. is pregnant! I am so excited to be an aunt, and S. is thrilled to be an uncle (funny aside, he is an only child and it never occurred to him that he could be an uncle). R. and my brother were pregnant once before and, sadly, had a miscarriage. They’ve been trying for awhile, so I consider this a hard fought victory. I have to say, I am a little relieved they didn’t ‘get pregnant by accident’. I am especially excited this little one is going to be born near my birthday. I know what you are thinking … there has to be more emotions around this. You are correct my friend.
I am mad. I am NOT mad at R., not even close. I am just plain mad.
I am mad I am in a situation where I have to work out all these emotions.
I am mad R. was worried about telling me – she shouldn’t have to feel that way during a happy time.
I am mad I had to say I needed a few days to process and couldn’t participate in her excitement in the moment.
I am mad my family has to walk on eggshells around me. I am mad I think that’s okay.
I am mad my body isn’t cooperating.
Today I am just mad. And that’s going to have to be okay. Another joy of my telework/flex hours job – I think I might take to the bed for part of the day tomorrow.