Excited with a Side of Mad

I’ve struggled with how to write this post for a variety of reasons. I’ve tried to be honest in my blog because all these emotions are honest. Also, it involves my sister in law, R., who is also my best friend, but the main reason I’ve struggled is because I am not sure how to articulate my feelings.

R. is pregnant! I am so excited to be an aunt, and S. is thrilled to be an uncle (funny aside, he is an only child and it never occurred to him that he could be an uncle). R. and my brother were pregnant once before and, sadly, had a miscarriage. They’ve been trying for awhile, so I consider this  a hard fought victory. I have to say, I am a little relieved they didn’t ‘get pregnant by accident’. I am especially excited this little one is going to be born near my birthday.  I know what you are thinking … there has to be more emotions around this. You are correct my friend.

I am mad. I am NOT mad at R., not even close. I am just plain mad.

I am mad I am in a situation where I have to work out all these emotions.

I am mad R. was worried about telling me – she shouldn’t have to feel that way during a happy time.

I am mad I had to say I needed a few days to process and couldn’t participate in her excitement in the moment.

I am mad my family has to walk on eggshells around me. I am mad I think that’s okay.

I am mad my body isn’t cooperating.

Today I am just mad. And that’s going to have to be okay. Another joy of my telework/flex hours job – I think I might take to the bed for part of the day tomorrow.


Ejaculation Free: 7 Days

So …. the time has come (pun intended) for S. to do a semen analysis. We planned it perfectly – 7 days ejaculation free (which sounds like the signs they have in factories: Accident Free: 2 days), taking the sample within a 2 hour drop off window on a day that worked for my schedule … we were so happy to have this done. Well, S. was happier than me. We can leave it at that.

I jumped up with the alarm, dropped the dog off at day camp, then rushed over to the Shady Grove office. No one knew I had a cup of semen in a brown paper bag on the passenger seat. Thank goodness I wasn’t pulled over, imagine that conversation. “Sorry for speeding officer, I have a bag of sperm here that will go bad in 2 hours.”

I rush up to the office and guess what. I needed an appointment to do a ‘drop’. SON OF A CRAP! No one told us that vital piece of information. So … 7 more days ejaculation free and another trip with semen in my purse. What did I do with the sample? I put it BACK in my purse and threw it out at home. What was I suppose to do? “Sorry we didn’t make an appointment, can you dispose of this please?” … I felt it was too early for that sorta relationship.

In other news, my blood work came back fine and I am STD free and all my levels are consistent with whatever they are suppose to be. As my Mom said, “I bet S. is relieved you don’t have the clap.” – yep. It’s THAT kind of mother/daughter relationship. Also, Dr. Greenhouse gave me the go ahead to start back on Concerta until we know the course of treatment. Praise Jesus, it’s a tough month at work for unmedicated me.

S. is getting his blood work done on Saturday. I hope he doesn’t have the clap.

The Post That is Boring

I would think that a blog post about the first trip to Shady Grove Fertility would be eventful and exciting. Sadly, it was just another trip to a doctor, which is why I haven’t posted about it.

The good news is S. and I both really liked Dr. Greenhouse (insert joke here about growing a baby) and the nurse we worked with. He was really laid back and interested in getting me knocked up – both things that are important to me these days. Based on our discussion, mainly our history, he thinks getting pregnant shouldn’t be a problem. Unless there is an issue that crops up in our pre-screening.

So what’s the next step? A billion pills. Including birth control pills – which is another counter-intuitive thing for women battling infertility. We have LOTS of paperwork outlining a timeline, all of which is way to overwhelming right now. I got my blood drawn, and now I am just waiting on the results before starting Provera. Remember that fun little pill? Right, here we go again!

So this is a boring post, even sitting in the office thinking about my next blog post I thought it would be boring. Stay tuned!

Speaking to Me

Here’s another little tid-bit about me. I’m a Unitarian Universalist! What’s that mean? Good question. I have yet to nail down the elevator pitch, but basically it’s an open and nurturing ‘church’ for people to explore what they believe. I was raised Catholic in a liberal household, married a loose Jew and want to raise our children with some sort of belief. The UU’s non-belief suited our lifestyle. Come as you are, you are loved and valued. ANYWAY … to the point.

I was never lucky enough to have one of those amazing moments where God spoke to me. For some it’s in the dark of night and for others it’s in a Bible passage or hymn. I never felt bad for the lack of divine inspiration, but hey, who wouldn’t want a light insight from a higher power?

A few nights ago, in a church Membership Committee meeting, I got my ‘hey, you, I’m listening’ message from God. Our pastor closed the meeting with a reading from Wayne B. Arnason, a minister at West Shore Unitarian Universalist Church in Cleveland and it sat nagging in my head for a few days.  It seems fitting since it was my last meeting so I could focus on baby makin’.

Take Courage Friends

Take courage friends.
The way is often hard, the path is never clear,
and the stakes are very high.

Take courage.
For deep down, there is another truth:
you are not alone.

I am so moved by this passage, I have read it multiple times and it has given me such peace. A little reassurance never hurts 🙂

Things I will Miss When I am Pregnant

I’ve had this list ongoing in my head the past few months about things I will miss when I am pregnant. I know I am not going to be pregnant forever, and by no means is this complaining. Can you complain about future things? Ah well ….

Things I will Miss When I am Pregnant:

  1. Diet Coke – this is by far my number one. I am down to 2 a day (so what if those 2 are 42 ounces?). While most guys fantasize about rolling over and having sex in the morning, I dream of waking up to S. holding an ice cold can of Diet Coke. With a straw.
  2. Concerta – I think I’ve posted about this before, but I am super ADHD and was diagnosed as an adult. I’ve managed it with life skills and drugs. High dosed drugs. While I can be ‘normal’ and productive for those 9 months, I will miss the extra help.
  3. Sushi – S. and I eat sushi every few weeks and since it’s expensive, it’s considered a treat. But when you think about what you are ACTUALLY eating, it’s okay to skip a few months.
  4. Sleeping on my Belly – If I lay down on ANYTHING on my stomach, I will be asleep in 10 minutes flat, true story. The most frustrating thing about having my gallbladder out way back when was not being able to sleep on my belly.  Frustrating to the point of tears. HOWEVER, I have seen some fun looking pillows for pregnant ladies and I am a big pillow fan. I call it a fair trade.
  5. Downhill Skiing – Just kidding.

Welcome to the Club

I am going to let you in on a little secret if you promise not to get all Judgy McJudgerson on me. I watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians and I think they are all bat crap crazy. Except, maybe, Khloe. Sure she married Lamar Odem after knowing him for a few weeks, but it lasted way longer than her sister Kim, so there’s that. AND she was on the cover of People Magazine recently pulling the plug on her reality show Khloe and Lamar to focus on her marriage. I’ve noticed the past two years of KUWTK she has made it very obvious she thinks her family is cra-cra, and for that she is my favorite Kardashian.

So, now that I have that off my chest, word on the street is Khloe and Lamar are seeking infertility treatments! It’s been speculated for awhile, but never confirmed. And. I. Love. It. I don’t love that she can’t have a baby, but I do love that she is being open and honest about it. Celebs are just like us, remember? So many pop out twins (surprise!) after their 40th birthday because they ‘relaxed’ – not pointing fingers Shmenifer Mopez (again, could be wrong, but if I am not, what is the big deal?).

Here’s what US Weekly said:

“They really want to have a baby and are trying everything,” an insider confided last month. “Now that they’re back home in L.A., they can work on that more. Privately.”

Kardashian has long been vocal about her desire to start a family with Odom, whom she wed after a quickie, one-month engagement in 2009.

“It’s so hard. I never knew about ovulation and the limited amount of time you have to get pregnant . . . No one ever taught me that,” she shared during a Today show appearance last fall. “We would love to have kids. But when you have schedules such as ours, it’s really hard to hit that mark.

Continued the E! star, “So it’s frustrating, but definitely. I want to have kids.”

Khloe Kardashian So best wishes Khloe! Ha, I went to add a picture of Khloe and this was the first one that came up. Had to use it, she IS on reality TV.

You’re Invited!

We all knew it would happen, it was just a matter of when. While I am trying to have my OWN bundle of joy, I am invited to celebrate someone else’s success (that’s how I am viewing pregnancy these days – success or failure). I got the evite yesterday for a friend from church’s baby shower. The rub is I also work with her husband, so a few extra connections there. I immediately sent my regrets and asked where to send the gift.

How do I feel? Selfish. I feel like I shouldn’t let my stress and frustration take away from other people’s joy. Granted, I am not very close to this mom-to-be, so that made my decision easier since I doubt anyone would wonder where I am. I feel like, by not attending, I am making it all about me, and my situation. Blowing things out of proportion if you will.

If it was my best friend or family member’s shower, of COURSE I would put my big girl panties on and celebrate. But this time I am going to be selfish and bow out. I was in a workshop today with a woman who almost gave birth right there. I couldn’t help but visualize her as me and get a little pouty. Pregnant women. They’re EVERYWHERE!!

I wonder how many of these I will be invited to before I have one hosted for me.

Date Night – What to Expect

S. and I are socking money away for fertility treatments, but that doesn’t mean we can’t scrape some change together for a date night – from the Entertainment Guide.  What was on tap for date night? Dinner and a movie – What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

It’s a bit like New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day with an all star cast who are intertwined, which I always think is cool. It followed a few women who were having babies in various ways. J-Lo adopting, Cameron Diaz  as a pregnant fitness guru, Elizabeth Banks (total show stealer) got pregnant after 2 years of trying, and Anna Kendrick was an unwed, young mama to be.  Despite the humor, like Elizabeth Banks ‘Mother in Law’, who is younger than her, having the easiest pregnancy ever, it was amazingly heart warming.  I doubt it will be up for an Oscar, but worth the discounted movie ticket. S. even liked it!

(updated 6/5) – a few infertility blogs are giving WTE some negative reviews for things like: not having a gay couple, not having a surrogate situation, dumb dads and the younger mother in law story line. Yes, these are valid points, but it’s a movie, not a documentary.

How are we doing? Still patiently waiting to ovulate. Still. I am in a major funk today, so I am laying low, wearing cozy clothes and reading while trying not to feel bad for ignoring this amazing weather we are having. Some days you do what you gotta do.

How You Know You Are Trying to Conceive

You know you are trying to conceive when:

  • You pay $2 more for gummy prenatal vitamins because the regular pills are huge and smell like fish.
  • Spilling urine on the bathroom floor is a monthly occurrence.
  • You buy pregnancy tests in bulk. With coupons.
  • You buy an iPad app to track your cycles. And marking ‘love making’ days is the first thing you do afterwards.
  • You consider buying maternity clothes on sale.
  • You start writing a blog.
  • You stop reading infertility blogs because they are all whiny.
  • When you are ovulating and 3 days straight of sex is far from sexy.
  • You consider herbs, stones and voodoo

Here’s the the crazies!