Congrats Snooki. Or “I am Still Not Pregnant”

Even if you’ve never seen Jersey Shore, which I have not (trust me, I have many, MANY other guilty pleasures), you know who Snooki is. I imagine the show features her like any other MTV reality star – drunk, hooking up and actin’ a fool.  And now I give her my congratulations – pregnant and engaged!

I can’t help but feel a moment of fury. I am eating better, seldom drink, hit the sack before midnight, sleep with just my husband and have a relatively calm life. And I am not pregnant. Not even ovulating. When will it be my turn? I am sure many women dealing with infertility have this same feeling. 

A Whole Lotta Nothin’

I should have updated sooner, but there hasn’t been much to report about the baby makin’ status. I have been peeing on the ovulation kit and so far, the empty circle has been showing up. It dawned on me yesterday that I might NOT ovulate this round. Which gives me a feeling of defeat. I would hate to think the past few weeks were for nothing. BUT – it’s too soon to get worried. I took to Google again and a lot of women said they ovulated about 7 days after their last Clomid.

Here’s to a whole lotta nothin’.

A Conversation with S.

I couldn’t have found a more understanding partner if I tried.  I am not being sarcastic, he really is understanding and tries to help and do what I need.  Today is the perfect example. I sent an SOS email to S this morning when I realized that I could be pregnant in the next few weeks. This is awesome, except I badly need to have my hair dyed since [the illusive] THEY don’t recommend having it done during the first trimester.

I find that idea pretty funny, as if the small amount of ammonia seeps into my brain, leaves no damage, but could hurt my unborn baby. You would think it would be a bigger deal if it was a real problem. But alas, I will follow what THEY say.  Which prompted me to email S., who called me laughing.

It went a little something like this.

Me: Hello?

S: I shouldn’t laugh, but I am.

Me: I know, it’s irrational.

S: Make a hair appointment for next week.

Me: It’s really stressful to think of the stuff I have to give up when I am pregnant. Of course, I will do so without complaining, the baby is more important, blah, blah, blah

S: I know, it will be an adjustment for me too. I’ll have to pick up the slack around the house, I am not going to have you …

Me (in my hormonal craziness): Oh really? Call me when you can’t have your daily Diet Cokes.

I am pretty sure there will be a post about what changes come when you are growing a person. Obviously worth it, but you know what I mean right?

PS – Today was, thankfully, my last day of Clomid. Tomorrow I start peeing on a stick! Hooray!

Concerta & Pregnancy. Or Bring a Something Shiny to the Birth.

Along with having PCOS, I was also diagnosed with adult  ADHD in 2005.  For the record, my blood pressure and cholesterol are in check. It’s only the obscure health issues for this gal.

I did a little research to find out if Concerta is safe for pregnant women, and like all internet health research, results vary. Some women had dozens of beautiful, healthy babies, some miscarried and others were too distracted to give birth and we’ll never know.

I went right to the source – my amazing shrink.  And unlike my Back Up Doc, I trust my shrink because he compliments me. And he is smart.  Regardless, like my Back Up Doc, he was very vague. Basically with Concerta, there haven’t been enough studies to decide one way or another. He did mention in rats, it has ’caused problems’ … perhaps the baby rats had short tails? Regardless, that’s enough for me to stop.

The good news is I will know when I should be pregnant. So after our 3 day bedroom vacation (the other TTC boards call it the Baby Dance – dumb). I will stop for those 2 weeks. I am still not thrilled about going off Concerta, it has made my life so much easier, but it’s not about me.

Since we are not going to announce anything until after the first trimester, if you find me wandering aimlessly around the grocery store or forgetting where I live, it is a lock I am pregnant.

One of Those Days

I really want to make sure I keep up with this blog, even when I am not in the mood to write. When I don’t want to get off the couch, when the thought of doing something productive makes me cry and when I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Today is one of those days.

It’s my 2nd day of Clomid and I am hoping that I either adjust to the hormones, or the next few days go quickly. Very quickly. I was thinking the other day, that this journey might not be a struggle for me. We haven’t really TRIED. Sure we went off the pill for a few months and decided to see what happens (which was a big fat nothing). I read about so many women who try for years and THEN go to the doctor. Today I feel like a huge drama queen. I imagine women who have tried for years to get pregnant will read this blog and roll their eyes thinking this is much ado about nothing.

On the other hand, this is my journey. I am worried, nervous, confused and exhausted. Someone will always have it worse than me and some one will always have it easier than me.  I have a feeling, in 10 years, I will go back to read this blog, after it was long forgotten and think I was bat shit crazy.  But that thought would be a quick one as I am chasing 3 little toddlers around.

I am on the couch today working, one of my biggest blessings is the ability to telecommute. I am going to feel how I feel and try to be okay with it and keep it all in perspective. Some days you need that, and today is one of those days.

Fertility Kits for Dummies

Remember when I was doing research on how many days, after finishing the Provera, when I would start my period? Well it was 2 days for me. Hooray! So then it was back to my Back Up Doctor’s notes.

Next … start Clomid and start peeing on the test strips.

When I picked up my meds a few weeks ago, I got the cheapest fertility kit and pregnancy kit. I get how to use the pregnancy kit … but the fertility kit confuses the heck out of me. I even had S look over my shoulder and he was confused. So, with his urging, it was back to CVS to get the digital kit. Um. This unborn (unconcieved?) baby is already expensive. $52.99 for a digital fertility kit!

So I pop Clomid for a few days, and on Saturday start peeing on the fertility stick. A smiley face means it’s time, no face means keep it in your pants.

May Cause Death & Other Reasons to Avoid Googling

So I stopped  Provera on the 21st (which I know because I wrote it down on my calendar), and still no period. Although my Back Up Doctor begrudgingly so kindly scribbled down wrote out the notes, it is still impossible to remember the details, like how many days it should take before my period arrives. I reluctantly turned to Google.

I typed in ‘Period after Provera’ and ABOUT 315,000 results appeared (Google it yourself if you don’t believe me). I figured to check out the sites I’d seen before and seemed the most reputable … ready for the results?

Based on my ‘research’, after stopping Provera, your period should arrive somewhere between never and 5 years. But wait! While I was at it, I decided to see about the Provera side effects others mentioned:

  • Headache
  • Nausea
  • Bloating
  • Sore boobs
  • Moodiness
  • Happiness
  • Increased appetite
  • No appetite
  • Fatigue
  • Energy
  • Itchy arms (perhaps dry skin?)
  • Death

Death? First of all, how did someone post that if they are dead. And secondly, I want to see an autopsy report. Maybe her Back Up Doctor didn’t explain things well enough and she took them all the first night.  I guess I should have been tipped off to sketchy responses when I realized the site was Ask a Patient. I don’t WANT to ask a patient. I want to ask a DOCTOR (just not mine).

The moral of this short, possibly boring story? Don’t Google to find out symptoms, everyone experiences different things – like death.  I need to figure out what color ribbon to buy to wear since I am a Provera Survivor.

Just a Second

I took my last progesterone pill last night, and, as S said, ‘now what’? Well, according to the Back Up Doc who prescribed them and chicken scratched wrote directions on a scrap sheet of paper notepad while making me feel  like a moron competent, we wait.

Wait for what? Well, my period, which is the first indication things are going well.  Thanks to PCOS, among other symptoms, I don’t ovulate on my own. I guess this is preparing me for the BIG wait. Waiting for my period, seems so counter-intuitive for someone trying to get pregnant.  Add that to the list of things {most} married people don’t do.

And while I am waiting, I may take a nap. I am not sure if this is a side effect, normal PMS or just me, but I have this overwhelming desire to put my head on the conference room table. Just for a second.

We wait.

PS – Perhaps you want to know my other side effects? Terrible, horrible skin. Yes, I have roseaca, but holy pancakes. Dry lips, dry skin, zits, boils in hidden places …. file me under disgusting.

God Got it Wrong

“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.”

Halle Berry