We all knew it would happen, it was just a matter of when. While I am trying to have my OWN bundle of joy, I am invited to celebrate someone else’s success (that’s how I am viewing pregnancy these days – success or failure). I got the evite yesterday for a friend from church’s baby shower. The rub is I also work with her husband, so a few extra connections there. I immediately sent my regrets and asked where to send the gift.

How do I feel? Selfish. I feel like I shouldn’t let my stress and frustration take away from other people’s joy. Granted, I am not very close to this mom-to-be, so that made my decision easier since I doubt anyone would wonder where I am. I feel like, by not attending, I am making it all about me, and my situation. Blowing things out of proportion if you will.

If it was my best friend or family member’s shower, of COURSE I would put my big girl panties on and celebrate. But this time I am going to be selfish and bow out. I was in a workshop today with a woman who almost gave birth right there. I couldn’t help but visualize her as me and get a little pouty. Pregnant women. They’re EVERYWHERE!!

I wonder how many of these I will be invited to before I have one hosted for me.

You know you are trying to conceive when:

• You pay $2 more for gummy prenatal vitamins because the regular pills are huge and smell like fish.
• Spilling urine on the bathroom floor is a monthly occurrence.
• You buy pregnancy tests in bulk. With coupons.
• You buy an iPad app to track your cycles. And marking ‘love making’ days is the first thing you do afterwards.
• You consider buying maternity clothes on sale.
• You start writing a blog.
• You stop reading infertility blogs because they are all whiny.
• When you are ovulating and 3 days straight of sex is far from sexy.
• You consider herbs, stones and voodoo

Here’s the the crazies!

Well, not much going on with the baby tracking, just waiting to ovulate.

I’m not really in the mood to chat about anything specific lately on my blog, I am on my third and final round of Clomid and giving myself permission to pout and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow is another day.

In the meantime, I found myself on Amazon searching fertility. Since Amazon is full of random products, I am not surprised they have some interesting items for sale under ‘fertility’. Where shall I start?

1. Fertility Pills Cheng Zi (Yeng) Wan – I’ve been to China a few times and while I agree they have some good products, please, please, please, do not order fertility pills from overseas. Especially when the dosage is 10 pills 3 – 4 times a day. 10 pills. 3 – 4 times a day. 40 pills a day.

2. Earth Solutions Aromatherapy Scent Inhaler – I could get behind this. I love aromotherapy. I wonder if I pair it the ‘Abundance’ scent I will have multiples?

3. Spell Mix: Fertility: If only it had at least one review. And since S. works for the DEA, I might need to pass on the magical herbs.

4. Fertility Wishes Greeting Card: Yes. By all means. Send me a card with chicken’s eggs on the front. That will really help me feel better about ‘my situation’. You should totally write ‘you should take a vacation’ inside.

5. Axe Jade Fertility Medicine Dagger Phurba: I would have passed this gem over, but I noticed the pricetag. $78,299.99. I am not even sure what it is.  But I would probably swallow 40 pills a day before shelling out our savings (I WISH we had this in savings ….) for a rock.

As you may know, I am on my second round of Provera (which means I am trying to force my body to have a period). I remember a few small side effects, but NOTHING like what I have experienced this time. Aside from a ‘worse-than-drunk’ dizzy spell a few nights ago, crying seems to be the big side effect.  Not just a lump in your throat, or tearing up … no, no. This is full on, someone shot my dog in front me crying. Here are some things that have made me cry like a crazy woman:

• Finding out Coach Beast’s husband was beating her up on Glee
• The video to Florance + Machine’s Shake it Out
• The fact I have no friends from college (I am watching Felicity)
• Accidentally getting regular Coke instead of Diet Coke
• Losing about a hours worth of work because I didn’t save properly
• The dead cat in the middle of Lee Highway 

Thankfully, all this will end on Thursday when I take my last pill. Until then, don’t sneeze in my direction or I will be hysterical.

In an effort to make me less crazy, Sam brought up having our baby sponsored. So a company, like Exxon or Target, would help us pay for our fertility treatments, then we give them the name (you know, like Target Smith or Time Magazine Jones) and brand the baby clothes.

Good idea! We are drawing the line at ED medicine and feminine hygiene products.

Oye. I finally looked into our infertility benefits with S’s insurance and found out they cover …. nothing. The consultation. That’s it. And since we live in the great state of Virginia, there are no laws that make infertility coverage mandatory.  Next call this morning was to Shady Grove Fertility Center where we will go if this round of Clomid is unsuccessful. Bad, bad move. But in a good way. Here’s the breakdown:

Consultation: covered, but if not, $300 – $350

Prescreen: not covered, $1500 – $1800

IUI: not covered, $1200 – $2200

At this point I was holding back tears and my new BFF at SGFC had to talk me off the ledge. She was so amazingly kind and understanding. And she did Clomid too and understood I am a weird weird person right now. She also told me about their financing (hey, let’s rent to own a baby!) and a few payment plans.

I am feeling so hopeless right now – money is super tight as it is, we don’t have $5000 sitting around.  I know, it will be okay, something will work. I just don’t know how to stay calm and stress free right now – which is apparently super important to getting knocked up.

Anyone have connections with MTV? I would love to get one of those adorable babies those teenagers are popping out in meth houses.

Tomorrow will be better.

I woke up this morning having a mini-temper tantrum. Maybe this is an indication that I am about to start my period (you know. Aunt Flow is comin’ to town). It’s a damn good thing I work from home because no one, NO ONE, wants to see me today all pouty and pitiful. Here was my internal conversation.

Pitiful J (PJ): I don’t want to DO this anymore.

Real J (RJ): Yes you do. You know you do.

PJ: I do not. I am tired of figuring this out. You know how ADHD I get when things get hard, I shut down. I am shutting down.

RJ: No you aren’t. Oh hey! No baby this month means you can pop your ADHD drugs again. Score. But seriously, you want this. A perfect little J. or S. Jr. to cuddle and snuggle and watch grow up to a cool kid. You told S. last night you want a little hipster baby. Remember the onsie with a fake tie?

PJ: God. What are you? A motivational poster? I am pouty. And tired. And confused. And frustrated!

RJ: Okay, you win. Today. Be pouty, feel sorry for yourself, pick your nail polish off, watching bad tv while working, sing along to Glee and drink lots of Diet Coke. But that’s it. Tomorrow you put on your effing big girl panties and figure it out. FIGURE. IT. OUT.

PJ: Fair enough.

When I started this blog, I remember I said I was trying to keep it fun? Well it’s not always fun. And that’s okay. I’ve done lots of things that weren’t fun, but they led to fun things. Like my Mama says, use it as guilt in a few years. She reminds me often I was 9 days late with a big head. But those 9 days and however many hours of big headed labor resulted in fun right? Right?

Tomorrow will be better. Todays sucks.