Category: Infertility

Another Time Another Place

I glanced at my calendar today and realized next weekend we are celebrating my friend’s son’s third birthday. We met literally a few days after he was born when I volunteered to bring them dinner, even though we had been attending the same church for awhile. While I held baby D,  M and I got along like a house on fire.

A year later, when we were celebrating D’s 1st birthday, I remembered her asking me if I was doing okay being the only person there without a kid and if it bothered me. I remember saying no and meaning it.  We had just started trying to have a baby and we didn’t anticipate being in the family way that quickly.

Fast forward to D’s 2nd birthday last March. I had to find something to fit over my huge belly and shoes to shove on my swollen feet. As we waded through bunches of kids at Gymboree, M and I joked that at D’s 3rd birthday in 2014 Mike would be able to attend and have fun.

I had to go back through my blog to read about what was going on in March of 2012  and it was a lot of nothing. I was starting Clomid and going through my first unsuccessful attempt at getting pregnant. Then in March of 2013 I was blogging about maternity pictures, the shape of my tummy and the baby shower M hosted for me.

Why do I bring this up? I am forgetting the hard part of our journey – the dates and details are running together. All the months of medicine with no results, the wondering, the Googling. I do remember the hardest part of the journey – the daily doctor appointments to monitor levels, the belly shots and 2 weeks of uncertainty. Why do I remember it? Not because it was hard or painful or stressful, but because it resulted in a big stinkin’ ball of love.

If you are on your own journey, you will forget the details, and that’s okay. I promise you will remember the important things. Like the last shot to the belly before it grows a human. And those memories will sneak in at the strangest times. Like for me tonight while I was rocking Mike to sleep while I was trying to memorize his face while he snored.



Infertility and Pregnancy Guilt

When we were trying to get pregnant, I imagined being one of those women who never, NEVER, complained about being pregnant. I mean, why would I? We paid a lot of money for me to be pregnant! But guess what. I am Princess Pouty these days, and I feel so guilty about it.

It doesn’t help a lot of my Facebook friends are welcoming their babies (like 3 last night) and I am eager to meet Mikey.  We had a doctor’s appointment last week and my thoughts (and fears) were confirmed – he’s a big one! He’s already 5lbs, when he should be 3.5lb or 4lbs. So I am carrying a lot of baby and my hips and lower back are rebelling. It’s getting harder for me to get up and down, and walking the steps to our apartment leaves me pretty winded.

Also – it’s the worst allergy season since 2010. Which wouldn’t be a problem if I could take my beloved Mucinex DM, but alas, I can’t. I get the piddly pills that hardly work. So I am coughing (and tinkling myself) and sniffling for the past week or so with no end in sight.

I feel like I should be delighting in all aspects of this pregnancy, but I am just not feeling it today. But maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe.

Sing Me a Song

I am a huge fan of music and love when I discover songs that relate to my life. While I was waiting to get pregnant, I loved finding songs (and playing them over and over and over) that related to infertility. Sometimes you just need a good cry or a good fist pumping jolt of hope. Here’s a few of my favorites:

Shake It Out –  Florance + the Machine (this whole song is amazing)

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Dog Days Are Over – Florance + the Machine

Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over

It Me With Your Best Shot -Pat Benatar (When you get it a shot a night, you can’t help but sing this song)

Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Why Don’t You Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Fire Away!

Fix You – Coldplay (I really despise this band, but damn if this isn’t a great song)

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Get it Right Today – Joe Purdy

Oh, I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up

After the Storm – Mumford and Sons

And there will come a time,
you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

Let Go – Frou Frou

‘Cause it’s all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you’re writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you’ve no idea what you’re like
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?

The Voodoo that you do …

Let me start by saying, I don’t think voodoo got me pregnant, but we sure had a few things that may, or may not have helped us get pregnant.

The main thing was lots, and lots of prayer. Nothing official, but more of a ‘oh please, oh please, oh please’. I know Saint Rita and Saint Gerard are the patron saints of … something to do with infertility or getting knocked up or something. As a recovering Catholic, I have very little to do with the beliefs, but Saints are kinda the fun part of the religion.

My BFF M., like a good Unitarian Universalist, helped a lot in the voodoo department. She had her own journey with infertility and now has the cutest little guy ever from a surrogate. Needless to say, she gets it. When we first told her we were trying, she immediately went into fertility doll shopping mode. Frankly, those suckers can be creepy. However, instead of the creepy big belly, big boob lady, she gave us this, a stuffed sperm. Which, I immediately ordered for my brother and sister-in-law who were trying. We are both pregnant now. Coincidence?


During the 2 week wait, M. also bought me a beautiful, handmade fertility charm I wore pretty much everyday.

If you are trying to get pregnant, do whatever voodoo you need to do. I took a lot of comfort in that little sperm (which we are saving for our child) and necklace, which served as a constant reminder of what we were trying to do, and eventually did.  If you are pregnant, or have a kid, what gave you hope?

Still Pregnant!

Thanks for all the kind words via the comments and Facebook yesterday! Though we aren’t ‘public’ yet (just family and close friends), it didn’t feel right to leave out anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis. I did tell my boss yesterday, a CEO mama of a small IT firm and she is so excited for me. I am so blessed to have such a supportive working environment – she made it very clear that the job is flexible enough for naps and appointments, and she encouraged me to take advantage of that. I only told one of my project managers since my flakiness will effect her the most. Again, met with nothing but excitement. Now … it looks like the world will know at the beginning of December when I get the all clear.

I am going to keep the blog title the same, because another infertile blogger over at the Inconceivable Housewife said it right, “I still feel like an ‘infertile woman’. I still am an infertile woman! While that may not make sense now that I’m pregnant, it still feels true. I still suffered through those years of infertility. I still understand the pain. I still fear miscarriage. I still know that this may be our only pregnancy we’ll be blessed with. We can’t ‘just have another child’. As a pregnant woman, infertility still stings. It doesn’t go away.”

Sure, our journey wasn’t as long as some, or even most. But it was still a process, and if we decide to go for number 2, it will still be a process.  I also like how the previous blogger did a weekly QA with symptoms, etc. I think that will a nice reminder about how far we’ve come and how I can make my child feel guilty in the coming years. “OH YOUR LIFE IS TOUGH? I COULDN’T POOP FOR 6 MONTHS! THAT’S TOUGH!”

I hope if you are a regular reader, you will stick with me on my journey to becoming a Mama.

PS – Went to a Wine, Cheese and Chocolate mixer last night for work. Pregnant women shouldn’t attend these events. Oh but wait! They had sushi! Oh, yeah. Nevermind. On the upside, the chocolate was ah-mazing. This mama wanted to dive into the chocolate fountain.

Baby, baby, baby.

Today’s the day! Sam and I went to Shady Grove for my blood work, and headed home. He has the day off and I am lucky enough to telework, so we are just waiting for the results.

Why are we so calm? I took a home pregnancy test on Friday … make that 4. So we already know WE’RE PREGNANT!

I am still so in shock that the fertility treatments work – the first time around! I guess it’s time to talk about changing the title of my blog, eh? Sam is having a hard time believing it until the doctor calls to confirm. Looks like a June baby is on the horizon.

More later my friends 🙂

Lies We Tell

I lied to S the other night. Well, sorta lied. He found a pregnancy test in the trash and asked if I had been taking pregnancy tests. In truth, I was just cleaning out our baby makin’ stuff, but I also said I hadn’t been testing.

What a bold faced lie. I can’t help myself. I am having early pregnancy symptoms like cramping, increased smells, sexy dreams (HELLO!) … I know in my heart it’s too early to tell, but maybe, just maybe the test will read early. I don’t think I am pregnant, but I think that’s me preparing myself for a let down when we beta on Monday.

It’s just so hard to wait. Don’t judge me for testing before anything would show up anyway. I can’t be the only one who tests after knowing the answer, right?

Sweet, Sweet Panda Baby

While the rest of world might not care, the DC metro area is buzzing with excitement. The Nationals on the way to the play offs? Nooo … The presidential election? Nooo … RG3 is killing it as a rookie Redskin? Nooo … What on earth has been headline news in the nation’s capital?

Mei Xiang had a baby! Mei is a panda at the National Zoo,  who had her last baby in 2007 and this little bundle of joy was a surprise! Zoo officials say they were hopeful she was pregnant (apparently panda pregnancies are hard to detect) because she wasn’t getting pregnant after many attempts and had 5 pseudo-pregnancies in the past few years.  She had LESS THAN a 10% chance of getting pregnant again.

Panda Cam Shot

You know where I am going with this. I find so much hope in this panda mama and her pink stick of butter (which is what a panda baby looks like).  I love turning the news on in the morning and hearing how the zoo keepers (that isn’t their title is it, it sounds so Curious George) are keeping their distance and letting Mama do her thing. Apparently this unnamed baby is a loud one!

Things I Look Forward to When I am Pregnant

While I am wondering if I am in fact pregnant (I will never say preggo. Knocked up yes, preggo no),  I am thinking about all the things I will love about being pregnant. Here’s a few so far:

  1. Maternity Clothes – As a ‘larger woman’, I always go shopping in the plus size section of stores, which is next to the maternity department. Why they do this is infuriating to me, but it does give me a chance to see the fun styles. Mostly it’s an accident because I think it’s plus size and not maternity and I am always let down. Not anymore!
  2. Being Special – While I don’t want strangers touching my belly, I will enjoy being the center of attention, I am not going to lie.
  3. Not being alone – Think about it. For 9 months, I am never alone. It will be even real when the baby starts moving. I bet it’s cool.
  4. Redecorating! – I love organizing and decorating, so putting together a nursery will be a fun event.

So just a few things I am looking forward to. If not this cycle, there’s always next time.

It’s been a week. Too soon to take a pregnancy test? Damn.