I really want to make sure I keep up with this blog, even when I am not in the mood to write. When I don’t want to get off the couch, when the thought of doing something productive makes me cry and when I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Today is one of those days.

It’s my 2nd day of Clomid and I am hoping that I either adjust to the hormones, or the next few days go quickly. Very quickly. I was thinking the other day, that this journey might not be a struggle for me. We haven’t really TRIED. Sure we went off the pill for a few months and decided to see what happens (which was a big fat nothing). I read about so many women who try for years and THEN go to the doctor. Today I feel like a huge drama queen. I imagine women who have tried for years to get pregnant will read this blog and roll their eyes thinking this is much ado about nothing.

On the other hand, this is my journey. I am worried, nervous, confused and exhausted. Someone will always have it worse than me and some one will always have it easier than me.  I have a feeling, in 10 years, I will go back to read this blog, after it was long forgotten and think I was bat shit crazy.  But that thought would be a quick one as I am chasing 3 little toddlers around.

I am on the couch today working, one of my biggest blessings is the ability to telecommute. I am going to feel how I feel and try to be okay with it and keep it all in perspective. Some days you need that, and today is one of those days.

Remember when I was doing research on how many days, after finishing the Provera, when I would start my period? Well it was 2 days for me. Hooray! So then it was back to my Back Up Doctor’s notes.

Next … start Clomid and start peeing on the test strips.

When I picked up my meds a few weeks ago, I got the cheapest fertility kit and pregnancy kit. I get how to use the pregnancy kit … but the fertility kit confuses the heck out of me. I even had S look over my shoulder and he was confused. So, with his urging, it was back to CVS to get the digital kit. Um. This unborn (unconcieved?) baby is already expensive. $52.99 for a digital fertility kit!

So I pop Clomid for a few days, and on Saturday start peeing on the fertility stick. A smiley face means it’s time, no face means keep it in your pants.

Thankfully I haven’t shared that fact we are trying to conceive with very many people (more on that later …), but this is what I picture. I especially like the ‘by the way, you sound really pretentious when you say vit-a-mins’.

I took my last progesterone pill last night, and, as S said, ‘now what’? Well, according to the Back Up Doc who prescribed them and chicken scratched wrote directions on a scrap sheet of paper notepad while making me feel  like a moron competent, we wait.

Wait for what? Well, my period, which is the first indication things are going well.  Thanks to PCOS, among other symptoms, I don’t ovulate on my own. I guess this is preparing me for the BIG wait. Waiting for my period, seems so counter-intuitive for someone trying to get pregnant.  Add that to the list of things {most} married people don’t do.

And while I am waiting, I may take a nap. I am not sure if this is a side effect, normal PMS or just me, but I have this overwhelming desire to put my head on the conference room table. Just for a second.

We wait.

PS – Perhaps you want to know my other side effects? Terrible, horrible skin. Yes, I have roseaca, but holy pancakes. Dry lips, dry skin, zits, boils in hidden places …. file me under disgusting.

Parental Units, now is the time to turn away, it’s gunna get all TMI up in here.

Here’s the low down. I’ve had sex with a few people (I’m somewhere between a prude and a whore), and always used protection. Even until my husband became my future husband, we were using condoms. Oddly enough, it never occured to me not to. I didn’t want a baby and didn’t trust The Pill (which I was on mainly to handl my PCOS).

The fun part of marriage is not using condoms. No more late night runs to CVS with teenagers smirking behind the counter. No more stopping and ripping the wrapper open and no more barrier feeling. Side note: Kids, wear condoms – trust me. No it doesn’t feel as good, but neither does having a kid. But seriously, married people don’t wear condoms. Or so I thought.

Since we’ve embarked on this journey to parenthood, we are using condoms, which seems completely counterproductive. Let me explain …

I can’t take my ‘baby meds’ if I am pregnant, and you won’t get a positive pregnancy test until about 2 weeks after conception. So if I were to have unprotected sex tonight … we might be pregnant. But we would have to wait 2 weeks to make sure it’s safe to start the meds. Make sense? It’s like playing Super Mario Brothers and getting to the 2nd to last level, dying and having to start back at square one.

So as I am buying fertility kits, pregnancy tests and Clomid, I am picking up condoms. I can only imagine what the CVS clerk is thinking. And after reading the doctor’s instructions (again), it looks like each Clomid cycle we can have sex unprotected for 3 days. 3 days.

In the meantime, we are going to pretend we are high schoolers and our parents are out of town.

When I was planning our wedding, I had a visceral reaction to all things ‘wedding industry’ – including websites that rhyme with The Snot and ShmeddingMannel. I couldn’t buy into the fairy tale, already done wedding. And just like with getting pregnant, the resources for people like me were far and few between.

One site I visited religiously was Offbeat Bride. It was amazingly well written and featured all things non-traditional that people had done before. I loved the whole ‘own-your-wedding-make-it-what-you-want’ attitude. Thankfully for me, April, the founder of the blog found out she was pregnant while I was honeymooning and Offbeat Mama was born! And what was the first post I stumbled on? The No Acronyms Rule. Thank you, thank you! Of course, it is a lot of post-pregnancy stuff, but also a lot of Q&A about what mamas with they did differently and experiences I can use.  I look forward to being an Offbeat Mama.

In baby makin’ news, it’s my 3rd night of Prometrium (which is supposed to make Aunt Flow … I mean my period … start). So far, just mood swing (sh*t, what if this is just me off birth control) and really painful boobs. Like I can’t lay on my stomach painful.