Muddling Momma

23
Apr
2020

Dear Hannah: Your First Letter

Dear Sweet Hannah –

It’s your first letter and the start of our last few months ‘just you and me’. According to my app you are as big as a rollerblade. I am pretty sure you will have no idea what those are, so when you are old enough, ask Daddy. He was coordinated when he was younger and can show you pictures.

I must say, growing you has given me a run for my money. You are busy most of the night and a good part of the day. You are refusing to stretch out higher than my belly button so your Irish dancing is doing a number on my bladder. You really like to hear your brother’s voice and any music. Will you be a dancer like Mike? I hope so!

We’ve started putting your room together and gathering what we need for your arrival. It is so much fun shopping for pink and glitter. I figure until you can decide for yourself, you are going to be a walking sparkle. Will you have hair? I hope so, you’ve been given a lot of bows! I know your cousins will be thrilled.

It’s a strange time my sweet girl. Not at all how I expected our first few months just you and me to go. But we’ve made the most of it and I’ve gotten quite a bit of rest and time to think about you. It is certainly going to be something I hold over you for the rest of my long life. I never imagined after two years of thinking, praying, crying, and wanting you I would be giving birth during a pandemic!

Hannah, please stay in as long as you can and keep cookin’. And for the love of all things holy in this world … move OFF MY BLADDER.

With love,

Momma xo

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Dear Mollie: Super Seven!

categories: Being Mom

Mollie –

How strange is it I have all the time in the world right now, but have been dragging my feet to get you your letter. It is really a weird time we are experiencing and I haven’t been sure what to say. I just hope when you look back on when you turned seven you won’t remember what you lost out on but what you gained. A Zoom singalong! Presents delivered to your driveway! A family day! This will just be a second of your long life my dear.

Now. On to the fun stuff kiddo. You are still my silly, smiley girl who always has a story. You feel big things and love even bigger. I love to listen to you play with Mike – you always have a pretend story in your head and he more than happy to play along. And soon you will be the OLDEST cousin to a new youngest! She will need a strong girl to follow and I bet that will be you.

One of my favorite memories from this year was our family trip to the beach. One of the days you trusted me enough to hold on to a boogie board and float along the waves with me. I taught you want Grandpa taught ME when I was little. When a wave comes you jump, kick, kick, kick to stay afloat until it passes. We had so much fun not just then, but on the whole trip.

I love you Mols. Be brave.

Love,

Aunt Jay Jay xo

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Pregnancy in the Time of COVID

categories: Baby, Health, Pregnancy

Today I left my house for the first time in weeks. I drove with the windows down, radio up, and took the long way to my high-risk doctor appointment. Mike hasn’t been to school and S. and I haven’t been to the office in two weeks.

I had to go to my appointment alone this time. I had to call from the parking lot to let them know I was there. Then I had to go in to hand a receptionist, who was wearing a mask and gloves, my credit card. I have to admit, for the first time ever, I hesitated when she handed me a pen to sign the receipt.

I returned to my car, alone, to wait for yet another call. Once I was called back into the empty office I was rushed to an exam room. I saw one person who asked me all the normal questions. When I asked if I could Facetime my husband during the sonogram it was a quick and firm no – it is their policy and protocol. But nothing about what is going on now is normal ‘protocol’.

Then I saw pictures of our beautiful Hannah. Our 1.5lb beauty had a button nose, strong heart and very active (I didn’t need a doctor to tell me that). She has no idea what is going on. When I was this pregnant with Mike Sandy Hook happened and I cried. Now, I am too tired and overwhelmed to cry.

After printing pictures, I waited for 10 minutes for my doctor, who was at her house, to review my scans. During those 10 minutes, I texted with S. about whether I should stop at Staples to get a headset for my upcoming teleconference (no, I shouldn’t). Then the same nurse who did my sonogram returned to report back what the doctor said, ending with, ‘we will see you in 4 weeks, but don’t stop at the desk. Someone will call you to make an appointment so we can get you out of here as quickly as possible’.

I know this is going to be an amazing story for Hannah when she is older, and all babies who are born during this pandemic. But I can’t help but grieve for our family who is missing out on so much. So many pictures will be missing from her baby book – S. at doctor’s appointments, a 3D sonogram, grandparents feeling her kick, being celebrated at a baby shower with cute clothes, maternity pictures we’ve been planning for weeks … this is our last baby. We won’t have this time again and based on the pregnancy groups I belong to, I am not alone in this emotion. And creating new memories with us quarantined in the house is important and we are trying AND doing our part to flatten the curve so when July rolls around we will have a positive delivery experience.

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22 Weeks: a Barbie

categories: Being Mom

How far along? 22

Size of baby: A Barbie! This excites me to know end hoping Hannah is a Barbie lover.

Total weight gain/measurements: I have no clue. I am sure I’ve lost some since the gestational diabetes diagnosis

Sleep: Crazy dreams, pottying a lot …

Best moment this week: The guys feeling her move! I’ve been feeling her stretching and dancing around for a few weeks now. Mike felt her a few days ago and his eyes got big. Sam felt her last night and thought I was doing the movement on purpose. She’s a strong one!

Miss anything? Eating when I want without thinking. I realize this is not a good thing to be doing in the first place, but the planning is killing me.

Food cravings: Actually, nothing really. I am eating a lot of prosciutto.

Symptoms: Tired, sweaty, obviously more emotional.

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Half Way There!

categories: Being Mom

How far along? 21 weeks tomorrow

Size of baby: A paper airplane

Total weight gain/measurements: I think I am up about 8 pounds.

Sleep: I toss a bit, I turn a bit, I sweat like I just stole a car …

Best moment this week: Having a great anatomy scan at my high-risk doctor. She is growing like a champ and even breathing on her own smarty pants!

Also, we went to Monster Truck Jam and girl LOVED it. I think. I took her busy movements as love for the noise and vibration.

Miss anything? A bunch of stuff. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, which is a first for me. I am working on accepting this and getting as much information and assistance as I can to make sure we are both healthy for the next few months. So I miss not having something else to worry about.

Food cravings: Actually, nothing really. I am still eating a lot of cheese.

Symptoms: Tired, sweaty, obviously more emotional.

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It’s a Girl!

categories: Pregnancy

It’s a girl! But we already knew that. I hate to say I’ve ‘come to terms’ with the idea of being a girl mom because it sounds like I didn’t WANT a girl. I truly, TRULY wanted a healthy baby and so far that’s what we have. But for the first 12 weeks I convinced myself our Hannah Beth had a penis.

I’ve been settling into a baby registry of pink and bows. But I still have mini anxiety attacks over raising a girl, ESPECIALLY in this political and social climate where being a woman is hard. Here’s my internal argument which I have on a daily basis:

I don’t how to take care of a girl! I KNOW how to take care of a boy: True, but you didn’t know how to take care of a boy, yet here we are six years later with a boy who is thriving. You’ll figure it out.

Mothers and daughters have difficult relationships: Probably true, but despite some hard years, I have an amazing relationship with my mom.

But I can’t do hair/makeup/style: This is true. Have you seen my frizz lately? If I can’t buy my shampoo from Harris Teeter Express Lane, I won’t have any. And why do I use a grocery store pickup? Because I think my weekend sweatpants have a hole in the crotch. Which would make sense because I’ve had them for a minimum of eight years. But guess what? There’s YouTube and my awesome Momma community who will come to the rescue. And ponytail holders.

Girls notoriously have mood swings, attitudes, and are referred to as ‘spirited’: Probably true? I have no idea. I know lots of little girls who are ‘spirited’ and their parents adapted. You’re supposed to raise the kid you have, not the kid you expected or hoped for. Also, as for mood swings and attitudes … boys have them too.

So as my brain is busy telling me why having a girl is going to be a nightmare, my heart, and soul (and friends, and family) are telling me how amazing and special it will be and how S. and I will rock at raising an emotionally intelligent little feminist.

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15 Weeks: Crayon Box

categories: Pregnancy

How far along? 15 weeks and 1 day. Hello, second trimester!

Size of baby: A box of crayons (or an avocado)

Total weight gain/measurements: Just a few pounds

Sleep: It is so strange. When I sleep it is like I am drugged – dead to the world and dreaming some crazy stuff. But getting to that point is proving to be difficult.

Best moment this week: I missed a few weeks where key things happened. We confirmed it is a girl, and we chose a name. The middle name is TBD, but I am thrilled with where we are headed. We also chose furniture and linens so we can get started in the nursery. OH! And we took the bump with us to the Natural History Museum and had a grand time.

Miss anything? Oddly enough, a large choice in wardrobe. Now it’s deciding what top to wear with my black maternity pants. And my PJs are getting a little snug too.

Food cravings: Definitely still salty – I am loving chips and dip. She has strong feelings when she doesn’t like something (um, I thought ‘morning’ sickness would be gone by now). I am more in the stage of getting really excited when I see a commercial for food that looks good.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope. I mean, I have thrown up since the last post, but it isn’t anything specific. Which makes it even more fun.

Symptoms: Fatigue, DEEP sleep, bursts of nesting, growing belly

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13 Week – Hot Wheels Car

categories: Pregnancy

How far along? 13 weeks today!

Size of baby: A hot wheels care

Total weight gain/measurements: Just a few pounds

Sleep: I am starting to be uncomfortable with twitchy legs and tossing.

Best moment this week: I haven’t updated in a while, but I think hearing the heartbeat and seeing an actually BABY image and not a dot was pretty exciting. Plus hearing that all is well with first-trimester screening

Miss anything? Not having a strange tummy ache and being able to move quickly.

Food cravings: I don’t have much of an appetite, but I am easily swayed by commercials and mentions of food. I do still really like meat and cheese.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nothing specific. Just general queasiness.

Symptoms: Fatigue, queasiness, growing belly, probably irritability if you ask S.

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Week 10: A Lego Mini-Figure

categories: Being Mom

How far along? 10 weeks today!

Size of baby: A Lego Mini-figure. Mike is going to be SO excited, he loves mini-figures

Total weight gain/measurements: Still no idea. Probably safer that way …

Sleep: I am managing, but my crazy dreams are taking over!

Best moment this week: Going ‘social media official’. It just shows how much our family is loved and supported.

Miss anything? Drinking Diet Coke ALL DAY.

Food cravings: Just meat and cheese. And breakfasts.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really. I seem to have turned a corner with nausea.

Symptoms: Fatigue, mood swings (mostly instant rage over stupid things)

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9 Weeks: A Jack

categories: Being Mom

How far along? 9 weeks today!

Size of baby: A jack

Total weight gain/measurements: Yikes, I have no clue! I was working on losing weight before I got pregnant, so I am sure it is pretty significant.

Sleep: I do it. And I love it.

Best moment this week: Graduating Shady Grove! After 2 years I am ready for the real deal.

Miss anything? Underwear that fits. I decided I am going to be comfortable this go around and not put off maternity wear (especially since my pants are a little snug) so I am wearing stretch 75% of the time. But I still need some maternity underwear that will STAY UP.

Food cravings: It varies, but definitely meat, cheese, and salt. I could crush some sausage right now.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nothing really specific, I am able to eat more now – which is good.

Symptoms: Fatigue, mood swings (this morning I cried in the car listening to a Selena Gomez song and thinking about Justin Bieber did her dirty), queasiness.

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