Fertility Kits for Dummies

Remember when I was doing research on how many days, after finishing the Provera, when I would start my period? Well it was 2 days for me. Hooray! So then it was back to my Back Up Doctor’s notes.

Next … start Clomid and start peeing on the test strips.

When I picked up my meds a few weeks ago, I got the cheapest fertility kit and pregnancy kit. I get how to use the pregnancy kit … but the fertility kit confuses the heck out of me. I even had S look over my shoulder and he was confused. So, with his urging, it was back to CVS to get the digital kit. Um. This unborn (unconcieved?) baby is already expensive. $52.99 for a digital fertility kit!

So I pop Clomid for a few days, and on Saturday start peeing on the fertility stick. A smiley face means it’s time, no face means keep it in your pants.

May Cause Death & Other Reasons to Avoid Googling

So I stopped  Provera on the 21st (which I know because I wrote it down on my calendar), and still no period. Although my Back Up Doctor begrudgingly so kindly scribbled down wrote out the notes, it is still impossible to remember the details, like how many days it should take before my period arrives. I reluctantly turned to Google.

I typed in ‘Period after Provera’ and ABOUT 315,000 results appeared (Google it yourself if you don’t believe me). I figured to check out the sites I’d seen before and seemed the most reputable … ready for the results?

Based on my ‘research’, after stopping Provera, your period should arrive somewhere between never and 5 years. But wait! While I was at it, I decided to see about the Provera side effects others mentioned:

  • Headache
  • Nausea
  • Bloating
  • Sore boobs
  • Moodiness
  • Happiness
  • Increased appetite
  • No appetite
  • Fatigue
  • Energy
  • Itchy arms (perhaps dry skin?)
  • Death

Death? First of all, how did someone post that if they are dead. And secondly, I want to see an autopsy report. Maybe her Back Up Doctor didn’t explain things well enough and she took them all the first night.  I guess I should have been tipped off to sketchy responses when I realized the site was Ask a Patient. I don’t WANT to ask a patient. I want to ask a DOCTOR (just not mine).

The moral of this short, possibly boring story? Don’t Google to find out symptoms, everyone experiences different things – like death.  I need to figure out what color ribbon to buy to wear since I am a Provera Survivor.

Just a Second

I took my last progesterone pill last night, and, as S said, ‘now what’? Well, according to the Back Up Doc who prescribed them and chicken scratched wrote directions on a scrap sheet of paper notepad while making me feel  like a moron competent, we wait.

Wait for what? Well, my period, which is the first indication things are going well.  Thanks to PCOS, among other symptoms, I don’t ovulate on my own. I guess this is preparing me for the BIG wait. Waiting for my period, seems so counter-intuitive for someone trying to get pregnant.  Add that to the list of things {most} married people don’t do.

And while I am waiting, I may take a nap. I am not sure if this is a side effect, normal PMS or just me, but I have this overwhelming desire to put my head on the conference room table. Just for a second.

We wait.

PS – Perhaps you want to know my other side effects? Terrible, horrible skin. Yes, I have roseaca, but holy pancakes. Dry lips, dry skin, zits, boils in hidden places …. file me under disgusting.

God Got it Wrong

“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.”

Halle Berry

Fertility Kits, Pregnancy Tests & Condoms

Parental Units, now is the time to turn away, it’s gunna get all TMI up in here.

Here’s the low down. I’ve had sex with a few people (I’m somewhere between a prude and a whore), and always used protection. Even until my husband became my future husband, we were using condoms. Oddly enough, it never occured to me not to. I didn’t want a baby and didn’t trust The Pill (which I was on mainly to handl my PCOS).

The fun part of marriage is not using condoms. No more late night runs to CVS with teenagers smirking behind the counter. No more stopping and ripping the wrapper open and no more barrier feeling. Side note: Kids, wear condoms – trust me. No it doesn’t feel as good, but neither does having a kid. But seriously, married people don’t wear condoms. Or so I thought.

Since we’ve embarked on this journey to parenthood, we are using condoms, which seems completely counterproductive. Let me explain …

I can’t take my ‘baby meds’ if I am pregnant, and you won’t get a positive pregnancy test until about 2 weeks after conception. So if I were to have unprotected sex tonight … we might be pregnant. But we would have to wait 2 weeks to make sure it’s safe to start the meds. Make sense? It’s like playing Super Mario Brothers and getting to the 2nd to last level, dying and having to start back at square one.

So as I am buying fertility kits, pregnancy tests and Clomid, I am picking up condoms. I can only imagine what the CVS clerk is thinking. And after reading the doctor’s instructions (again), it looks like each Clomid cycle we can have sex unprotected for 3 days. 3 days.

In the meantime, we are going to pretend we are high schoolers and our parents are out of town.

Thank You, Thank You

When I was planning our wedding, I had a visceral reaction to all things ‘wedding industry’ – including websites that rhyme with The Snot and ShmeddingMannel. I couldn’t buy into the fairy tale, already done wedding. And just like with getting pregnant, the resources for people like me were far and few between.


One site I visited religiously was Offbeat Bride. It was amazingly well written and featured all things non-traditional that people had done before. I loved the whole ‘own-your-wedding-make-it-what-you-want’ attitude. Thankfully for me, April, the founder of the blog found out she was pregnant while I was honeymooning and Offbeat Mama was born! And what was the first post I stumbled on? The No Acronyms Rule. Thank you, thank you! Of course, it is a lot of post-pregnancy stuff, but also a lot of Q&A about what mamas with they did differently and experiences I can use.  I look forward to being an Offbeat Mama.


In baby makin’ news, it’s my 3rd night of Prometrium (which is supposed to make Aunt Flow … I mean my period … start). So far, just mood swing (sh*t, what if this is just me off birth control) and really painful boobs. Like I can’t lay on my stomach painful.


It Shouldn’t Be This Hard

Have you looked at Trying to Conceive (TTC) blogs or forums lately? Talk about an assault on the senses. Ads for fertility drugs, pictures of smiling babies and yes, even erectile dysfunction pills.

As a newbie to the TTC world, I keep looking for support through this weird, confusing process. I want to ask simple questions like drug side effects and when I can have sex with my husband. But instead, I am flipping between two screens;  one screen is a message board, and one is a long, VERY long, list of acronyms specific to those TTC. I get LOL and OMG, but it seriously took me a good 15 minutes to determine what AF means. I pride myself on being pretty quick on things like this – American Flute? Always Funky? I finally had to look it up.  AF = Aunt Flo. Which is what my friends called a period when I was 14. “Aunt Flo is coming!” “Aunt Flo is a pain in the butt” … get it? Har, har.

In all seriousness, we are adults trying to do adult things – why are we using middle school slang and then dummying it down even further and making it an acronym? I have a full time job, a clothes to iron, bills to pay and a baby to make. Why am I spending time figuring out what AF stands for?

This blog is for no one but me, chronicling my potential long journey to motherhood.  I might get there next month, or 6 months, or 6 years, but I am not finding what I need on sites with stupid acronyms.
HABSBTHR? (Having a Baby Shouldn’t Be This Hard, Right? – duh!).